Think/personal

I previously wrote a post where the point was suppose to be how we don't think for ourselves. The goal was to set up future posts about how we put band aids on issues and problems instead of trying to find the real solution. I had to rush the ending so I don't know how others may have perceived it. Anyway I wanted to go forward with some discussions, however, since then a few things have happened which though fit partially into this thinking.

I really wanted to talk about current events and how we handle the issue. The first example is the children coming from Central America and all the people thinking if we build a large enough fence the problem will go away. Again putting a band aid on cancer. Until we address why these children are coming we truly won't solve the problem. We need to think this through instead of spending billions, yes, it will make it more difficult for the children to get into the country, but the problem still exists. And this is something I would like to discuss further, but am going to wait for another day.

This issue hits real close to home that is an enormous problem facing just about everyone so much so that we need to sit down and think about what we need to do. The current practice is okay, but there are so many pieces to the puzzle and the puzzle will be different for every family. What we are doing and will need to do will incur an enormous strain on us individually and as a country that we cannot even begin to let it sit or go forward and just hope for the best.

First a bit of background. I watched my Mother suffer through a physically debilitating disease. She suffered for years. The medical costs were huge, and the emotional toll was excruciating. And of course no one is really prepared to watch their parent suffer.

Now I am going through round two with my wife as we live through her Mother having dementia. And actually the situation with our Mothers overlapped a bit as my Mother in law was already past the start of dementia when my Mother passed. And unfortunately both my wife and I lost our Dads at relatively young ages so we had to take on the care of our parents.

And where does a person start? This is the third event of dementia I have been involved with in my family. Lucky for me the first two were indirect. By the time the disease or affliction truly became an issue I was out of the picture and only heard the stories of what was happening to them. And these stories did give me an idea and some preparation of what was to come, yet until you live with it day to day you cannot completely understand the severity. And I don't care what the TV shows do there is nothing cute or funny about this at all. This is a mean and sad life for anyone this afflicts. And on a side note while I think about this, if someone says don't worry about going to see someone now because they may or may not remember you or you don't want to see them because they aren't the same person etc...you do need to go see them. Even if they are far enough along and maybe its a grandparent you haven't seen in awhile because of distance or whatever the reason...go and see them. I regret not going to see my Grandmother even though she was thousand miles away and my Mom said don't worry about it. You have to go and I can pretty much tell you it won't be pleasant. The fact is you remember them and as with any grieving process you will need to come to terms with what has happened. And the sooner you get involved in dealing with the issue the sooner you can begin to heal

And I tell you the above because I regretted not seeing my Grandmother, but also because I am watching many members of my wife's family struggling with her Mother. Some of the family waited to deal with this issue for years and now as we go through a week in ICU, they don't know what to do. My Mother in law has been through a very horrible last five years of her life and if you hadn't been part of it seeing her now as she is hurts. This poor woman with dementia/Alzheimer s has been through fractured bone, multiple surgeries, possible stroke (and the story behind that is crazy and why we need to address elder care better), and a host of minor health issues that when you add it all up she is barely a shell of who she once was. A person just can't come to terms with the person,they are now seeing in ICU and think is this my sister, aunt, grandparent etc.. And there is no healing in your heart for a long time.


And on another side note, this is pretty disjointed post because I am typing this on a smart phone with no editing capabilities in between going back and forth between the room, lobby, 11pm dinners and moving family around as they come into town to help my wife since she is now spending the 24/7 at the hospital now. Many have come and are helping, but as I said earlier they are unsure how to be involved because they haven't been involved all along. So again don't let others dictate to you or don't be so fearful yourself that you don't go. We all have to begin the grieving process at some point. With dementia you have to start early so you can begin the healing process while they are still alive. Believe me I am watching a few people struggling right now.

And with all that said we, as a society, have our work cut out for us, yes with dementia, but also all of our elder care. I hate to say this, but if you don't believe me go to a nursing home or long term care and spend time. And unfortunately even if you go irregularly or just on weekends you won't see family for everyone. My wife definitely goes very regularly and is on the facility about the care, but for me I go to support her and don't go every visit, but you can tell who has family involved. We are lucky here and the place we go takes good care of everyone and we have been reassured of this in a variety of ways. Some places though just don't meet the grade. Back to family though and I know the regulars on my visits because they are up there all the time. It is a shame that for many, maybe not the majority, but too many you wonder at all if anyone comes.


It may be us I don't know, but I don't know what to say for the people in homes and no one seems to visit. My wife and I had her Mom with us for years before she got so bad we were just incapable of handling her. We even tried bringing her home after the first time we were told it would be better to put her in professional care. It just becomes too difficult and the risks become enormous trying to care for someone past a certain,point. And yet some people are able to do home care, but those people are a very special few. We even had ib home day care for awhile and it still was difficult. This post though wasn't suppose to be a criticism of family care and involvement.

The whole point is we need a whole new set of thinking about elder care. This isn't my usual pick an issue and comment about it or deride those who polarize an issue like the border and the children. No it is truly asking us to think and think hard. For good and bad, elder care has not become a political hot potato, but in some ways bad because no one seems to talk about it at all. There are experts, we have experienced great doctors and not so great doctors. I was on one to one speaking terms with my Mom's doctor, but did not take advantage of that near enough. You can find plenty of literature on all the health issues, etc.. I guess what I am trying to say is we have the knowledge, but not the will to shape any productive policy for elder care.

And let me say this I don't believe in socialized medicine in general, but something is going to have to give for elder care. And also Medicare and Medicaid as they stand now aren't the answer. It is going to have to be more than just a medical discussion or cost discussion, or family discussion, it will need to be all these discussions plus much much more And I know I put out much much more personal info than I normally like to or you may have wanted to read, but there may be many of you have already gone through similar experiences and it is you I need to help push the thinking on what needs to be done. And if you are young or middle age and blessed with parents in good health you still cannot ignore the issue because medical costs alone will eventually affect you even if the emotional costs don'r right now.

Elder care will have to be its own issue. Will social security, medicare etc need to be changed?,probably, but that is only policy. We also need to address some of these issues in our heart. And then we need to turn the definition of what is good care on its head. I don't believe we need 10,000 new federal agencies to monitor care facilities, but we need to know when someone is not getting the care a person deserves. And this is more than a term like quality care, more like what is dignified care. And of course who defines and administers all this. Yes I have many more questions than answers and that isn't fair to others if you want to make an issue out of something. And yet that was one of my points this shouldn't be just an issue, but something we all have to face should make it easier for us all to come together to be part of a real solution.


Some long and verbose ramblings while listening to the steady beeps from all the monitors these last few nights. Hopefully someday I can come back and tie this together bette. Maybe time and sleep will help. If you haven't already there will be a time in your life elder care will become a very pressing issue. I hope as a society we are farther along for you than where we are now.


Please keep my Mother in law in your thoughts and prayers. It may or may not be her time, but everyone needs to live a dignified life and we hope maybe some peace will come about for her and any of your family suffering..